// April 28th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny pictures, General
“Had a nice ear, shame it went mouldy” - Oscar Wilde on Eva Braun
“My hero!” - Ann Coulter on Eva Braun
“By falling in love with Hitler, Eva Braun unwittingly proved the non-existence of virginity and singleness” - Some Historian on How Love is inescapable
“I never loved her” - Bob Geldof on Eva Braun
Eva Braun was born Eva Hillary Braun in 1912. She languished in a period of celebrity in Germany, during the late 1930’s and 1940’s, when she grew out her mustache and hooked up with a politician, whom she thought could help further her career. She became the First Lady of the Third Reich and the Second Lady of the Fourth Reich. She later changed her name to Hillary Clinton.
CAREER
Eva planned to launch a singing career in Poland in 1939, as her boyfriend promised her a captive audience. However Shirley Bassey traveled back in time and stole her original composition, “Big Spender”. As her boyfriend got busy dealing with other things, Eva’s quest for fame was put on the back burner.
After the death of the dictator in 1959, Eva changed her name to Hillary Clinton, because Jackie Kennedy had already been taken. She began a successful career as a teacher in Maryland. Reports say that she once killed a man with a fender guitar, but details are sketchy and nobody is saying anything.
Eva was the star of Gone with the Wind with Michael Gilar. The movie was directed by George Carlin and Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy also directed Showgirls, starring Pamela Anderson, Christie Brinkley and Kyle Martino.
“I’d love her if she was a guy” - Oscar Wilde on Eva Braun
In 1992, Eva Hillary Braun tried to be the Hottest German Teacher Who Had A Relationship With Hitler. However, Lindsay Lohan won the price, and so Braun began stalking then-President Bill Clinton.
Just so y’all know, she is the dad of Bob “Squirts ‘Til it Hurts” Faggot.
NAME CHANGES
In 2004 she briefly changed her name to Teresa Kerry, then changed it to Peggy Fleming, then back to Hillary Clinton.
REMARKS: The story and information in this article are artistic works of fiction. Only a fool would take anything here as fact.
ANN COULTER
“And in a thousand years, you will be dead! But I, I will STILL be here!” - Ann Coulter on Ann Coulter
“Too bad she’s a whore of the heretic west. Still, a man can dream” - Osama Bin Laden on Ann Coulter
“Almoast makes me wish I was straight” - Fred Phelps on Ann Coulter
Ann “Heartless Draconian Prude Ass Bitch” Coulter, also known by his/her scientific name Hitler, Jr. was born 1961 1963 1969 1973 1980 (birth name Andrew Goldfarb), is a noted political author, humanitarian and good Christian conservative. (S)he is also a well known model for mens’ underwear and collector of satanic artifacts. Best-known for having a cat fight with John Edwards on live television (which (s)he won by sodomy, although the two later made up and they are currently having a secret love affair).
(S)he is also renowned for his moderate and sensible comments on the War on Terror, advocating gentle but firm correction of America’s enemies.
Ann was famously quoted of accusing Hitler of being too soft on jews, saying he didn’t “perfect” enough of them.
Some have also speculated that (s)he may be a cyborg. This has given rise to the widespread accusation that (s)he supported the Iraq War simply so (s)he could get some more oil to drink.
Another school of thought claims that she is not a cyborg, but that her cold souless stare is a side effect of spewing negative hate-vomit at everything and everyone. Regardless of whether she is a cyborg or merely a creature without a soul, everyone agrees that her castrating stare could melt a boulder from 1,000 miles away.
Ann has done many wonderful and noble things throughout his/her life such as mocking the widows of 9/11, stating that Jews should be “perfected” and in perhaps his/her most caring and sympathetic moment, he said to a disabled Vietnam war veteran, “No wonder you guys lost”. (can’t you just feel the love and sensitivity that (s)he gives off just by reading this page?)
BACKGROUND AND RISE TO FAME
Andrew “Ann” Damien Legion Goldfarb Coulter was born in New York City to Mary Coulter and Adolf Hitler in 1942. The second that “Ann” was born, his/her parents looked down in horror at the new demon baby and said, “Dear God… what have we done? We have truly created a monster”. Satan then wept at the beauty and pure evil that had not been created by his hand.
Some have speculated that (s)he may be an extra-terrestrial life form. however, NASA and SETI have repeatedly declined to investigate this possibility, though they were quick to suggest that (s)he was a psycho, former man-tranny with a ten-inch dick. Shortly after his/her first birthday, (s)he single-handedly resolved the Cuban Missile Crisis by beating up Nikita Khrushchev and making him cry; (s)he later returned and sodomized him to death. Since then, (s)he has been angry that liberal President John F. Kennedy took all the credit.
It was also during this period where Coulter had another artificial vagina fitted in an attempt to make the beast more feminine. The doctors, in order to make room, had to remove his/her third left penis. The vagina was constructed from a rusted bear trap and it was remarked, by many, that its addition suited Coulter’s character to perfection.
In the 1990s (s)he became noteworthy for his/her attempts to have Bill Clinton impeached, after he failed to respond to his/her sexual advances at a dinner party. Having failed to do this, (s)he later accused him of being a homosexual. He responded, Only gay when it comes to evil, crazy bitches.
(S)he has since written a number of bestselling books, including an updated second edition of Hitler’s Mein Kampf, with the word “Jew” replaced with “liberal” or “Muslim” as required, and the title changed. When asked whether it was acceptable in the modern world to plagiarize the works of Hitler, (s)he responded “Well, he’s dead so he can’t complain about it. Anyway, who cares about your opinion, liberal gay boy?” Mr. Hitler was unavailable for comment.
CONTROVERSIES
Inaccuracies in books
“Ann” has actually never made a mistake in his/her books because (s)he’s a perfect Christian. So perfect that (s)he wants Jews to be perfect too, just like him/her. (S)he has even said the same about Muslims (or as (s)he cleverly calls them, “ragheads” and “camel jockeys”). But enough about how perfect (s)he is. The point is, (s)he has never made a mistake in his/her books. However, Coulter’s latest book, ‘If I had a penis, I’d be a man’ is littered with many glaring factual and historical inaccuracies. Coulter spends the usual number of chapters insisting Canada sent troops to Vietnam.
However this time the new book dedicates a large section to how, according to Coulter, spaghetti grows on trees and the sun orbits the earth. The book is supplemented with a novella entitled ‘If Republicans had sense, they’d kill themselves’. This exciting new addition to the literary world is part autobiographical and explores Coulter’s (many) failed/half-hearted suicide attempts and their subsequent failure to garner him/her the attention that it craves..
CHILD SEX SLAVE SCANDAL
In early 2005 Coulter was highly criticized for his/her role in the child sex slave trade. Coulter was being investigated for several years by the FBI and CIA and it had turned out that (s)he was the ring leader of the largest child sex slave trade in the world. When asked about his/her role on CBS’s Dateline, (s)he said, “The liberal media wants you to believe that using children as sex slaves is wrong and they will do anything to convince the stupid liberal public of this.” When it was pointed out that most of his/her counterparts do not believe in child sex slaves (s)he said, “They are liberals masked as conservatives and God said it’s OK anyway”. She was informed that it is not “OK” in Christianity, to which, (s)he replied that (s)he is “gay” and “hates fags”, in the same sentence. (S)he then broke down and confessed the whole thing, that (s)he is “gay” and a “whore” who does “drugs”, likes it in the “poop chute”, doesn’t “go to church”; (s)he goes on to say that (s)he is in fact a “liberal” who “hates America”.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT OF ALAN COLMES
Ann had received much widespread criticism for anally raping and sodomizing liberal talk show host Alan Colmes, taking a dump on his face and forcing him to eat it. Ann responded by saying, “I did this all the time at my high school. In fact, my fellow gangbangers called me The Blonde and Beastly Gimp. I don’t see any problem with it.” After receiving extensive surgery on his ass and his face, Colmes surprisingly defended Ann by saying, “I don’t care, I finally lost my virginity!” It was also reported that fellow Fox News pundits Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly were involved in the rape, with Hannity videotaping the incident and O’Reilly dressed in a full leather sex outfit and supplying Ann with the sex toys needed, a claim that neither have denied.
VIEWS ON ISLAM
“Ann” Coulter’s views on Islamic terrorism are also very open-minded and sensible as (s)he has repeatedly stated how we must love and accept them because that’s the “Jesus way”. However (s)he once made controversy by stating that we should invade Iraq and convert them all to Christianity. Ann responded to this criticism at the Republican National Convention by firmly stating,
“Fuck those goddamn fucking faggots who hate me!!! I hate every single one of those fucking sand niggers!!! Fuck converting them!! I say we bomb and rape the living shit out of all of them, especially the women and children!!! I’ll even lead the assault!!!”
(S)he received a standing ovation from his/her fellow Republicans afterwards. Despite the approval of his/her peers, “Ann” realized that if (s)he was ever going to truly understand Islam, (s)he needed to immerse him/herself in it completely. To that end, (s)he spent a year living in Saudi Arabia, during which time (s)he converted, married 114 “women”, personally executed over half the Filipino maids in the country by sword, became supreme head of the religious police, and then traveled onward to the tribal badlands of Pakistan, where (s)he learned how to field-strip an AK-47, and construct a suicide belt, from goat’s milk and opium, at night, in under 30 seconds.
[originally *sporked from wiki]
*spoon and fork. Sporks in their natural form are frickin’ retarded and should be shot at dawn because they don’t work as a spoon or fork very well.
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Are you good at having the idea of what the most expensive drinks are? The 1928 Krug happens to be the most expensive bubbly ever sold at an auction. This costly fizz is from the Krug Collection renowned for the true champagne lovers.
